carry me....

Today is the day. today is khloe's ultrasound of her brain. i knew all week it was coming...but today i feel unprepared. i slept terribly, i feel terrible. i have such an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. i know things could be much worse...i am fully aware of that. i know God is guiding me. but i feel so alone. and scared. what if they give me her results right there? what if i look at the ultrasound and see something i know shouldnt be there. what if they find a blood clot, or a tumor, or that her brain isnt growing correctly? my mind keeps taking me to the worst place. i hate waiting. i hate not knowing. everyone that knows me knows i have to know each detail about everything. its like an OCD that i have.

Khloe is just laying here looking at me as i write this and i cannot even look at her. my heart aches for her. i hate that i have to put her through this. i know the test is painless...but seriously who ever wants to do this with their 9month old. today i just feel like this is too much. shes so innocent. so perfect. today i just dont understand. i have such an aching feeling in my chest..for every time i have thought i felt a broken heart, i clearly have never. god my chest just aches. a deep aching. its my soul. my soul hurts. i feel like i have been punched so hard in the stomach. have you ever been punched so hard you get the wind knocked out of you? you know that feeling when your muscles hurt in your belly and you just can help but hunch over to hold yourself up? thats how i feel...mixed with a feeling like i ran too much, and i cannot catch my breath. why am i back at square 1 again? i thought i was past this feeling? this hurts so bad. i have come to realize that the worst feeling in the world is not being able to help your kids when you feel they need you most.

i know im being selfish right now. im being a big baby. there are far more severe things khloe could have in this world. life could be so much worse. but im finding it so hard to keep focused on that today. i just cant do this today. but i have to. time to put my big girl panties on and deal with life. no one ever said this would be easy..

soooo here we go. praying. eating. getting everyone dressed...and its game time. god--please dont forget to carry me today. i need you. i need to feel you today. i need you to hold me and keep me strong so no one else can see me weak. i need to smile because i have 3 kids that base their day on my smile. i cannot let them know i am broken.