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| This is my Gram |
What a crazy week its been. I wanted to thank everyone for all of their support this past week. I have so many amazing friends & family members. I cannot begin to tell you how much your thoughts, prayers and kind words have meant to my family & myself. This week I was given an amazing opportunity to write one last time for my gram. She has always loved to read things that i wrote...including my blog posts that i would call and read to her. Before arrangements started being made I knew in my heart that i needed to write her eulogy. I wasnt sure how to write one..as its something that i had never done before, but i knew in my heart it was what i needed to do. Its odd to try to put into words someones life. everything they meant to you. i cannot tell you how many times i started over..finished...erased and started all over again. There are no words that can describe a life.
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| 4 Generations of Newell's.. Gram, Dad, Me and Lexi |
I have so many wonderful memories that will forever be kept in my heart. but the pain that i feel is something i havent felt in a long time. i remember the pain of losing a friend....but the pain of losing family is something i havent felt in years. its something i hope that i dont have to feel for years again. Today is exactly one week since i last saw my grandmother...although she wasnt alive when i saw her..it was my final goodbye to her. I have found myself still trying to call her- like i did every morning. for me- that is the worst part. my mornings. I think the harder times ahead will be summer BBQ's at my dads, moments of frustration where i would call her and she always knew what to say. i can imagine my first trip food shopping will be hard...she loved to food shop for chris and i...there are things we havent had to buy in months because she had a hook up somewhere..or new somebody. im sure the produce man will think im a nut bag as i lose my mind buying peppers. Lexi is having a very hard time with this. she will be ok..and then she is brought to uncontrollable tears. THAT breaks my heart. Chris and gram had such an amazing relationship. they were very close and he loved her so much..he has been doing so well holding it together for me..but my fear is that he will eventually have his moments & i need to be strong in his weaker times. he has been amazing. every tear that i have shed..he has caught it before it had a chance to hit the ground. he knows when to step in and hug me and when to back up and let me be. i seriously could not have picked a better person to spend my eternity with.
i wanted to post my grams eulogy for everyone who wasnt able to attend..or for whoever wants to read it. I started with a poem called 'The Dash' by Linda Ellis..its a wonderful poem that puts so much into perspective. I hope you all enjoy what i wrote. I tried not to get too personal with what i was writing because i felt it was important that I read it..and i knew there were certain things that i wanted to say..but i wouldnt be able to do so without crying. I carried her rosary beads in my hand..so i felt her close to me...but i also could feel her in my heart. i made it through..all the way to the last lines..and then it got very hard. I know shes proud.
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| Gram was about 17 in this picture |
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
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| This was our vow renewal 4 years ago |
Today I am here to talk to you about my Grandmother, Bella Newell’s dash. Very soon there will be a stone with two dates carved in. Most often we look at those dates as something that represents great significance, but I can promise you that those dates are not what matters. Like the poem I just read stated, what matters is the line between those dates. That line represents Grammy’s life. It represents her footprints on this earth. That dash was her time & no one else’s.
When I think of my grandmother I can vividly remember so many things. I can think back to more recently when we spoke of someone I knew passing and she said to me, “when I pass Jackie, please don’t cry, Grandma always wants you to remember the good times we had.” So today I know what my gram would want me to talk about. It is no secret that she had a rough life. She carried a pain with her that no one in this room will ever know. She was a strong woman. But today, as I talk to you about Grandma Bella’s dash, I can say undoubtedly that she doesn’t want to be remembered for the things that she has been through, or the things that made her strong. Bella wants to be remembered for the things that made her smile. The things that brought her uncontrollable tears of laughter. The moments that lit her life up with joy and pride.
It is very hard to try to put onto paper everything my grandmother was. I don’t think words could ever describe a woman like Bella Newell. As I write this I know that there is so much I wont be able to include. I am going to try to tell you a little about the woman that was only 5 feet tall but filled with so much love that no unit of measurement could ever describe.
Bella’s life began in Fall River, Massachusetts. A town that she carried deep in her soul. She spoke of Fall River with pride. She loved it there. To her, that was her home. My brothers and I are big Yankee fans, whenever Yankees play the Red Sox she would always joke with us about how the Yankees were going to lose. She never watched baseball, unless it was NY vs. Boston.
In recent times I had spoke with her about my grandfather John. I never got to meet him, so the questions I had were piling up for years. I had always imagined what he looked like or who he was. How they met, how he proposed. I was able to talk to her about all of this about a year ago. The first thing that struck me was the tone in her voice when she spoke of him. Her voice became softer. She had a giggle, a school girl giggle. I realized that she was still very much in love with her husband. I heard great stories about the life they built together. Stories that I was picturing in my mind as she told them. It was like an old black and white film. At times very romantic, but mostly a comedy. Gram had an amazing sense of humor. In the moments where she spoke of my grandfather, I knew she missed him. There were many phone conversations where she has told me she missed him. Today-- she doesn’t miss him anymore. Tonight they will dance on the stars. She now feels his love again. A feeling she missed for so long. Today they have their eternity together.
Probably some of my favorite stories were of my dad and Uncle Jay growing up. There are times where we would laugh so hard, but there were also times of tears. She was a fine example of what a mother should be. Her time was spent making sure that her sons were ok. Until her final moments she worried about my dad. it often made me realize that a mothers job is never done. Even when your son turns 50, you still worry. You still protect him. He is still your baby. Because that is a mothers love. I know my father will carry that in his heart forever. Today though, she is caring for her youngest son. Today, at this very moment, she is holding her baby. Today she is reunited with a piece of her soul that has been missing for years.
My gram was so proud of her grandchildren. I am not just saying this because I am one of them. It was evident when she spoke to us & saw us. She beamed with happiness. Her greatest joys came from my brothers John Jay & Thomas Jay & myself and my husband Chris. Gram had a lighthearted relationship with us filled with laughter, practical jokes and funny stories. But there was another side to her that we know and love, a serious side that was a protector. She didn’t like anyone to hurt her grandbabies. She would do anything in her power to help us, console us in our sad moments, and listen when we needed to vent. She was someone that we could go to and tell anything to, and she kept it just among us. Gram was often our counselor. She had a ton of life experience to get us through any moment we would encounter. She taught us how to bake. She showed us how to cook. She taught us how to sow. Anything a grandmother could teach..she taught. My most important lesson from her is strength. I once asked her how she handled the hard times in her life. She answered ‘ with prayer’. when I was having a problem, or worried about my brothers, as I often do, she would tell me.. ‘Jackie ill talk to god. We have a special connection-don’t worry.’ but also always told me to make sure I talked to god. Make sure I prayed. And to always remember, no matter what that god is with me. Today my Grammy is with god.
One other thing she treasured was her great grandchildren Alexis, Christopher Jr, and Khloe. No matter what-they could bring a smile to her face. Each morning while I cook my kids breakfast, I called gram. We would speak for at least an hour-sometimes more. Having 3 kids its never quiet in my house. I would always have to tell them to lower their voices and she would always reply ‘ let them be-I could listen to them for hours’ and she meant it. She was so excited to hear those tiny voices get on the phone and say ‘ hello gram bella’ or as my youngest Khloe would call her ‘ ma’amy ‘ . those are the times I am going to miss the most. The morning phone calls. Hearing how proud she was of me as a mother. Calling her when I am so stressed out over crying fits, or fevers, or someone being picked on at school. She always knew how to make me smile through those times. But I know she is still with me. I carry her in my heart.
There are many people my grandmother touched. Many lives that are affected by this great loss. Each person in this room has a special story. She meant something so different to each of us. Today is only the start of a life without Bella Newell. Today will actually be the easier part believe it or not. It will be the months ahead. The years ahead when we can no longer remember the sound of her voice, where her face will start to fade or the memories aren’t as fresh, those will be the hardest. So I ask of everyone here when time starts to pass…share your memories with each other. Laugh. Cry. And be joyful for the great woman that was Bella Newell. Keep those moments alive, those memories will be her legacy. They will tell the story of her dash. Those memories will be how my children remember their great grandmother.
I want to finish by saying that as I wrote this I realized that there are no words that can measure ones life. There is nothing a person can say that will explain the meaning someone had on your life. I know that gram is looking down proud right now. There are times I wanted to talk about and memories that flood my head but I would be up here for days. So those memories I am keeping in my heart. Those are her legacy to me. There is a song by country singer Carrie Underwood called Temporary Home-the past few days its been stuck in my head-- I wanted to share with you a verse from that song that I found comfort in:
This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
This is our temporary home …and today Bella Newell is home. She is finally where she needed to be. Rest peacefully my angel. I forever carry you in my soul. I love you Gram. Eternally. I will see you later.
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| Chris,my brothers & I threw her a surprise party in 2010..this is the first time she held Khloe. | |
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I carry your heart...I carry it in mine...
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