Dear Gram- Im Ready.

Dear Gram-
    Its been 106 days since i last heard your voice. 15 weeks and 1 day. 103 Days since i last saw your face. 14 weeks and 5 days. before you left i never imagined a life without you. i never imagined my mornings without hearing your voice-or celebrating birthdays without you there. i took your presence for granted. i somehow believed that you would be with me forever. i know you can remember countless times that i have told you that you would out live me. to you that was the worst thing i could say. you hated the thought of that. well i hate life without you. i hate it. everyone keeps telling me time will make me ok. each day will get easier. but each day is getting harder. im so lost. i can feel this hole in my chest. its this horrible aching pain when i think about you. i just want to be able to smile. i know you would want me to...but i cant seem to find the strength. i want to be able to remember the good times we had. the laughing and the fun...but no matter what as soon as i think about something or something comes up i just feel pain. i feel like i have become numb to anything other than pain. im not sleeping. my eating habits are worse than they were..i can hardly remember the last time outside of this weekend i ate a meal with my family. dinner tables remind me of you. im not sure why..maybe its because you loved to cook for us. anyway i hate tables. im trying so hard to be strong. i try to talk about you with everyone so they think im holding up..but i think they all know. sometimes when the boys talk about you i cant even stand to listen. i cant stand to know they hurt like this. there have been so many times i needed you, i mean i know you are with me but i needed to call you. i needed advice or your opinion, and i realize that i cant call. i cant say enough how much it hurts. i know that i am lucky to have had almost 29 solid years with you and thats amazing...so i cant understand why i am being so greedy. why-if i know you are with God, Grandpa, Uncle Jay, Aunt Jo and your family-why does it hurt so much? i know you are happy. healthy. where you have always wanted to be. you are at peace. you went peacefully. then why cant i just let this go and start to heal? its hard to hurt like this. i know you would tell me not to let the babies see me cry, and for the most part i dont. i have to be strong for them. but there are days where i need to lock the bathroom door because like dad says..it comes in waves. ill be ok one minute and a sobbing mess the next. the kids ask for you all the time. especially lexi. the other night she made a wish that you were still alive. it broke my heart more than anything. i dont drive past your house anymore. its too hard. lexi always asks to go there. i think she thinks maybe you will be there. and you know khloe is always asking for her 'ma'amy'. she points to your picture and says your name. christopher...hes a pisser as you would say. hes a trouble maker. last night he got into your incense oils and smeared them all over his face. it was in his eyes and everything. i was pissed but i had to laugh. you always got such a kick out of the messes he made. he drew on his walls again. i noticed it today. i thought about how you always said 'he better be an artist with all this art work he does'... i dont get as mad as i should with the pen on the walls..im always so thankful its not POOP! thats probably the funniest memory i have of us. you were so calm and collected and i was freaking out. i just kept trying to figure out how he got his diaper off and painted his whole room with poop. first night in a toddler bed and i never wanted to put him back in it! you laughed so hard while you helped me clean. and i just cried. which made you laugh harder because you just kept saying how theres going to be much worse things in life to cry about. you kept saying..this is funny. you were my hero that day. not too many people would scrub some kids poop off of a wall voluntarily. even dad was puking! so much like you to always show up when im in need. every time im sick i think about how you cooked me chicken soup. i never had to ask. you would just have chris stop on his way home. i was so spoiled. now i have no one to cook my soup. you would think after all the times you showed chris and wrote it down he would know it by heart..he doesnt. all those nights i was tired and didnt want to cook, you would cook for everyone and send it up to us. ill never forget that. no one else does that for me. all the times i would be so upset with my crap in laws or with chris over stupid things you would tell me to "cook with red pepper..dont say things you dont mean jackie..cook with pepper tonight. that'll teach 'em." it always made me laugh. no matter how steamed i was. im really hurting because chris birthday is coming up..and you always make him chicken and rice. that is one of his favorite memories of you. you guys were so close. gram hes been so patient with me. with my crying and not sleeping and my nightmares. hes been such a great support. but i havent let him grieve yet. he misses you so much. he ALWAYS talks about you. i think the worst thing was when we cleaned out your house you had a 'to do' list and the first thing you wanted to do when you got better was make chris chicken and rice. i think it made him feel good to know that he crossed your mind that week. i always tell him you always said he was no different than me, johnny or tj...that you always felt like he just belonged with us..sometimes i dont think he realizes how much you meant it, but right then, i think he knew. he still keeps your 'galic oil' (because you spell just like you talk with your Boston accent) that you made us..he opens it and just smells it. the day before you passed we were cooking and used the last of it..he wanted me to tell you we needed more..i just added more olive oil.. it smells just like it did when you made it. i wont remake it. i froze all the produce you gave me. i wont use that either.  its stupid i know..but when i see it, im hoping one day it will make me smile. tomorrow we bury your ashes next to grandpa. im going to try to be brave. i know you are worried about dad, so ill be brave for him. its going to be a terrible day. but im hoping now that we are finally doing this it wont be in the back of my mind, and ill start to heal. it took forever for dad to be ready. not that he is ready but hes as ready as he can be. grammy he misses you. it breaks my heart. he keeps telling me (everyone does) that im so much like you. sometimes i think thats why he doesnt talk to me as much anymore. i think maybe it hurts him. im trying to help everyone gram. like you would. i just wish i knew how to help me. please stay with me. i miss you so much. im ready to start remembering you with a smile. everyone probably thinks im such a baby..but its ok. no one else knows how close we were. how much time we spent talking and laughing. its funny..you always said your cast iron would be your 'legacy' oddly thats the last thing that i think of when i think of you. just one more thing...i know you know how much you meant to me...but i never told you why you meant so much..so i wanted to do that before i say goodbye...

gram.. you were strong. you were. you lost your husband when you were just 37. you were a single mother of 2 boys. you worked hard so they could have a normal life. you were able to carry yourself without letting them know how bad you hurt. you raised your son, who was terminally ill, as a single parent. you still knew how to smile. then when uncle jay was just 26 years old you said goodbye to him. his battle with cystic fibrosis took him from you. you hurt, and even though i lived with you, i never knew you were hurting. you watched dad have multiple massive heart attacks..and you were terrified of losing another son...i remember the pain in your voice. after he came home, you still smiled. when i first heard my youngest baby had cerebral palsy, i was terrified, but you made sure to tell me, how you had a special relationship with god, and you would talk to him and he would make every thing ok. in December when i found out i was pregnant again, i was terrified, you were the first person i called. you laughed and reminded me what a blessing this was. you were so happy for us. you always wanted 4 kids and you were so happy that we were expanding this crazy family even more. a few weeks later when i woke up covered in blood, i called you. we cried together.  you somehow during that terrible time made me feel ok. you told me it would be ok. all these things are just a couple examples of why you are who you are to me. i want, so badly, to one day be strong like you. to be able to hold my head up high even when i want to curl up and cry. i want to be a great cook. i want to be a better listener. i want to be able to give sound advice. to be more slow to anger. to know when to laugh and when to cry. i want to learn your patience. i want to know your love. i want to live without fear. more than ever, i hope that when i leave this earth, that people will look back at my life and be proud of the woman i grew to be, like we are proud of you. I am just happy to know you. your legicy isnt all the cast iron cookware you left us..your legacy is you.

i hear you whispering to me at times. i feel you in the rays of the sun. i carry you in my heart. im ready to heal. im ready. i know you will be with me tomorrow.. please carry me through this. i love you grammy. forever. and i miss you like hell.

goodbye gram. see you again one day.

your Jacquliña

First time holding Chris Jr

Khloe's first birthday Grammy & Grandma Vicki

My Vow Renewal Johnny walking Gram to her seat

Most recent picture I have of My Dad, Gram and Little Uncle Jay (this was days before he passed away)

My little brother Thomas.. her yard sale buddy

Gram <3

First time holding Khloe'

4 Generations Of Newells

Gram & Lexi at lexi's first birthday

..the truth about florida

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
- C. S. Lewis

This friday we leave for florida. everyone keeps asking me if i am excited...and while a piece of me is very excited..a very large part of me is hurting very badly. i keep smiling and trying to convince myself and more often others that i am beyond thrilled. truth be told--when we booked this trip 2 months ago i was more thrilled than i have ever been. i think i began to plan this trip as if i were the child and not the parent. i planned everything i wanted to do as a child, for my kids. I put so much of my own heart into this trip that i know they are going to love every second. but there is this uncontrollable ache in my heart that i cannot get to go away. I think about our drive..initally we were going straight through..i have since changed it to driving thru friday night into the early hours of saturday morning..stopping half way and continuing the rest of the driving at 1am sunday morning. so we have a break on saturday....

Saturday marks one month since my gram has passed. this has been one of the hardest months i have had in so very long. a very VERY lonely month.  Chris has done a fine job making sure i am ok. making sure when im not ok that he is the first one at my side. he has been the perfect partner in these rough times. but if im speaking honestly i should say that a lot of my pain i keep putting away. i put on my brave face and move forward with the day. i cry when im alone. i have this horrible habit that i cannot seem to break..i keep picking up the phone to call my gram. i dont know why it hasnt sunk in yet...maybe because it was so unexpected..or maybe because i called her multiple times every day. i am not sure..but each time i catch myself grabbing the phone it feels like a dagger is stuck in my heart all over again. i dont know what i need to do to make this pain go away. or make things somewhat normal in my head again. 

i think back to recent conversations i had with her. (my gram lived with me from the time i was 6 or 7 thru high school..but it was in the past 4-5 years that we became VERY close) i feel like she knew her time was coming.  although she was in good health and there were no signs pointing to her death..i think she knew. recently we had talked about so much. my grandfather. my  uncle. everything. she was tired. she missed them. i know this..so then why do i become so selfish in missing her? if she is with GOD where ultimately majority of us want to be, then why do i get so damn selfish and wish she was still here? it gets so bad at times that i drive myself nuts. in my heart,  i know she is where she needs to be. she is home. there is no doubt in my mind. she was a christian. we spoke so much about this..so i KNOW she is ok. so shouldnt i be ok knowing that? 

we would always joke when she would say she was getting old..i would always tell her she was going to outlive me..i honestly felt she would be around for a very long time. she would always joke back with me and say ' oh you wount even miss me if i was gone' ...i wonder if she can see me now. how much i really do miss her. or how much i miss calling her..or hearing her raspy voice on the other end of the phone. 

gram understood pieces of me that others dont. while most married people complain about their in-laws---few are treated the way i have been...one of those few people was my grandmother. it was a perfect understanding. she knew how to handle every situation. she just knew. we would have these long talks about how i felt in certain situations- and she would tell me about times she was made to feel the same way. she just got it. when it came to other things that i was upset or angry or even really excited.. but didnt want anyone else to know just yet...or ever --she always knew. because i knew she didnt tell anyone. i dont have anyone else in my life that i can tell things to and they stay between us. thats a terrible feeling. a lonely feeling. even the smallest things i tell people get repeated. so now i feel horribly alone. alone with my own thoughts. alone with my feelings. with my insecurities. its a crappy feeling.

so saturday my mind wont be on florida..or my excitement about the trip. i know she wants me to be excited.. she wouldnt want me to be upset..but that doesnt really stop me from feeling the way i do. im sure ill be thinking about how we joked about packing her in the trunk..and how i wanted her to come. every photo i take..ill think of her because she said she wanted me to take a ton of pictures so when i got back she would feel like she was with us.  ill still be hurting. but like i have been doing..ill smile through it..because i dont want to ruin anyone elses day with my sadness. 

sorry this is such a pitiful post. just hoping if i get some of this out ill feel a tad better. i have so many emotions i need to sort thru its unreal. i guess my biggest fear is wondering if because gram and i talked so much about my trip, if its going to make me hurt worse. can i hold myself together? or will this be the straw that finally breaks the camel's back..and leads me to those horrible uncontrollable tears...and forces me to feel that empty feeling in my heart? i guess time will tell....

Gram's Eulogy

This is my Gram

What a crazy week its been. I wanted to thank everyone for all of their support this past week. I have so many amazing friends & family members. I cannot begin to tell you how much your thoughts, prayers and kind words have meant to my family & myself. This week I was given an amazing opportunity to write one last time for my gram. She has always loved to read things that i wrote...including my blog posts that i would call and read to her. Before arrangements started being made I knew in my heart that i needed to write her eulogy. I wasnt sure how to write one..as its something that i had never done before, but i knew in my heart it was what i needed to do. Its odd to try to put into words someones life. everything they meant to you. i cannot tell you how many times i started over..finished...erased and started all over again. There are no words that can describe a life.

4 Generations of Newell's.. Gram, Dad, Me and Lexi

I have so many wonderful memories that will forever be kept in my heart. but the pain that i feel is something i havent felt in a long time. i remember the pain of losing a friend....but the pain of losing family is something i havent felt in years. its something i hope that i dont have to feel for years again. Today is exactly one week since i last saw my grandmother...although she wasnt alive when i saw her..it was my final goodbye to her. I have found myself still trying to call her- like i did every morning. for me- that is the worst part. my mornings. I think the harder times ahead will be summer BBQ's at my dads, moments of frustration where i would call her and she always knew what to say. i can imagine my first trip food shopping will be hard...she loved to food shop for chris and i...there are things we havent had to buy in months because she had a hook up somewhere..or new somebody. im sure the produce man will think im a nut bag as i lose my mind buying peppers. Lexi is having a very hard time with this. she will be ok..and then she is brought to uncontrollable tears. THAT breaks my heart.  Chris and gram had such an amazing relationship. they were very close and he loved her so much..he has been doing so well holding it together for me..but my fear is that he will eventually have his moments & i need to be strong in his weaker times. he has been amazing. every tear that i have shed..he has caught it before it had a chance to hit the ground. he knows when to step in and hug me and when to back up and let me be. i seriously could not have picked a better person to spend my eternity with.

i wanted to post my grams eulogy for everyone who wasnt able to attend..or for whoever wants to read it. I started with a poem called 'The Dash' by Linda Ellis..its a wonderful poem that puts so much into perspective. I hope you all enjoy what i wrote. I tried not to get too personal with what i was writing because i felt it was important that I read it..and i knew there were certain things that i wanted to say..but i wouldnt be able to do so without crying.  I carried her rosary beads in my hand..so i felt her close to me...but i also could feel her in my heart. i made it through..all the way to the last lines..and then it got very hard. I know shes proud.

Gram was about 17 in this picture

 I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This was our vow renewal 4 years ago

 Today I am here to talk to you about my Grandmother, Bella Newell’s dash. Very soon there will be a stone with two dates carved in. Most often we look at those dates as something that represents great significance, but I can promise you that those dates are not what matters. Like the poem I just read stated, what matters is the line between those dates. That line represents Grammy’s life. It represents her footprints on this earth.  That dash was her time & no one else’s.

When I think of my grandmother I can vividly remember so many things. I can think back to more recently when we spoke of  someone I knew passing and she said to me, “when I pass Jackie, please don’t cry, Grandma always wants you to remember the good times we had.”  So today I know what my gram would want me to talk about. It is no secret that she had a rough life. She carried a pain with her that no one in this room will ever know. She was a strong woman. But today, as I talk to you about Grandma Bella’s dash, I can say undoubtedly that she doesn’t want to be remembered for the things that she has been through, or  the things that made her strong. Bella wants to be remembered for the things that made her smile. The things that brought her  uncontrollable tears of laughter. The moments that lit her life up with joy and pride.

It is very hard to try to put onto paper everything my grandmother was. I  don’t think words could ever describe a woman like Bella Newell. As I write this  I know that there is so much I wont be able to include.   I am going to try to tell you a little about the woman that was only 5 feet tall but filled with so much love that no unit of measurement could ever describe.

Bella’s life began in Fall River, Massachusetts. A town that she carried deep in her soul. She spoke of Fall River with pride. She loved it there. To her, that was her home.  My brothers and I are big Yankee fans, whenever Yankees play the Red Sox she would always joke with us about how the Yankees were going to lose. She never watched baseball, unless it was NY vs. Boston.

In recent times I had spoke with her about my grandfather John. I never got to meet him, so the questions I had were piling up for years. I had always imagined what he looked like or who he was. How they met, how he proposed. I was able to talk to her about all of this about a year ago. The first thing that struck me was the tone in her voice when she spoke of him. Her voice became softer. She had a giggle, a school girl giggle.  I realized that she was still very much in love with her husband. I heard great stories about the life they built together. Stories that I was picturing in my mind as she told them. It was like an old black and white film.  At times very romantic, but mostly a comedy. Gram had an amazing sense of humor.  In the moments where she spoke of my grandfather, I knew she missed him.  There were many phone conversations where she has told me she missed him. Today-- she doesn’t miss him anymore.  Tonight they will dance on the stars. She now feels his love again. A feeling she missed for so long. Today they have their eternity together.


Probably some of my favorite stories were of my dad and Uncle Jay growing up.  There are times where we would laugh so hard, but there were also times of tears.  She was a fine example of what a mother should be. Her time was spent making sure that her sons were ok.  Until her final moments she worried about my dad. it often made me realize that a mothers job is never done. Even when your son turns 50, you still worry. You still protect him.  He is still your baby. Because that is a mothers love. I know my father will carry that in his heart forever.  Today though, she is caring for her youngest son. Today, at this  very moment,  she is holding her baby. Today she is reunited with a piece of her soul that has been missing for years.

My gram was so proud of her grandchildren. I am not just saying this because I am one of them. It was evident when she spoke to us & saw us. She beamed with happiness. Her greatest joys came from my brothers John Jay & Thomas Jay & myself and my husband Chris.  Gram had a lighthearted relationship with us filled with laughter, practical jokes and funny stories. But there was another side to her that we know and love, a serious side that was a protector. She didn’t like anyone to hurt her grandbabies. She would do anything in her power to help us, console us in our sad moments, and listen when we needed to vent. She was someone that we could go to and tell anything to, and she kept it just among us. Gram was often our counselor. She had a ton of life experience to get us through any moment we would encounter. She taught us how to bake. She showed us how to cook. She taught us how to sow. Anything a grandmother could teach..she  taught. My most important lesson from her is strength. I once asked her how she handled the hard times in her life. She answered ‘ with prayer’. when I was having a problem, or worried about my brothers, as I often do, she would tell me.. ‘Jackie ill talk to god. We have a special connection-don’t worry.’  but also always told me to make sure I talked to god. Make sure I prayed. And to always remember, no matter what that god is with me.  Today my Grammy is with god.

One other thing she treasured was her great grandchildren Alexis, Christopher Jr, and Khloe. No matter what-they could bring a smile to her face. Each morning while I cook my kids breakfast, I called gram. We would speak for at least an hour-sometimes more. Having 3 kids its never quiet in my house. I would always have to tell them to lower their voices and she would always reply ‘ let them be-I could listen to them for hours’ and she meant it. She was so excited to hear those tiny voices get on the phone and say ‘ hello gram bella’  or as my youngest Khloe would call her ‘ ma’amy ‘ . those are the times I am going to miss the most. The morning phone calls. Hearing how proud she was of me as a mother. Calling her when I am so stressed out over crying fits, or fevers, or someone being picked on at school. She always knew how to make me smile through those times.  But I know she is still with me. I carry her in my heart.

There are many people my grandmother touched. Many lives that are affected by this great loss. Each person in this room has a special story. She meant something so different to each of us. Today is only the start of a life without Bella Newell. Today will actually be the easier part believe it or not. It will be the months ahead. The years ahead when we can no longer remember the sound of her voice, where her face will start to fade or the memories aren’t as fresh, those will be the hardest. So I ask of everyone here when time starts to pass…share your memories with each other. Laugh. Cry. And be joyful for the great woman that was Bella Newell. Keep those moments alive, those memories will be her legacy. They will tell the story of her dash. Those memories will be how my children remember their great grandmother.

I want to finish by saying that as I wrote this I realized that there are no words that can measure ones life. There is nothing a person can say that will explain the meaning someone had on your life.  I know that gram is looking down proud right now. There are times I wanted to talk about and memories that flood my head but I would be up here for days. So those memories I am keeping in my heart. Those are her legacy to me.  There is a song by country singer Carrie Underwood called Temporary Home-the past few days its been stuck in my head-- I wanted to share with you a verse from that song that I found comfort in:

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

This is our temporary home …and today Bella Newell is home. She is finally where she needed to be.  Rest peacefully my angel. I forever carry you in my soul. I love you Gram. Eternally. I will see you later.

Chris,my brothers & I threw her a surprise party in 2010..this is the first time she held Khloe.

 

I carry your heart...I carry it in mine...

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Thankful

  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you

1 Thessalonians 5:18

So i totally missed my cue to do the november blog challenge and each day list something that i am thankful for =( however it doesnt make me any less thankful for the millions of blessings i have in my life.

lexi had a homework assignment the other day where she had to illistrate a picture of what she was most thankful for this year. each year we always talk about things we are thankful for, but this is the very first year she understands fully what being thankful is. her homework assignment got me thinking..what am i MOST thankful for this year? i am thankful everyday for millions of little things..the air in my lungs, another day with my crazy kids, a husband who loves me, friends that stick by me, family that loves me, extended family that loves myself and my kids (and chris too), reconnecting with friends...but what is it that i am most MOST thankful for this year? so many choices...

this year was very trying for us-Khloe was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, Chris got very sick and then had a terrible reaction to the medicine he was on, we lost Hank who was a very amazing part of chris' life and who has done phenomenal things for our family, i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism & Crohn's Disease which has been an uphill battle, my mom was having health issues which landed her taking chemo drugs (she is no longer taking them THANK GOD) --then learned she had some slipped discs in her back which will ultimatly result in surgery, a person in my extended family was diagnosed with cancer ontop of the parkinsons disease he already had. a special little girl in my extended family at 3 years old had to undergo surgery for a tumor found on her leg (thankfully she is ok)...plus countless battles with school germs that lexi has now blessed us with =)and  a million other things that i am sure i forgot to mention.

its so easy to get caught up in all the things that have gone sour... but there was one thing that happened this year..that showed us that sometimes the blessing in a situation may not be so obvious-- you may need to search a little..it may take some time..but the blessing is always there.

January 11th was a day that we will never forget. 11 years ago on Jaunuary 11,2000 my mom, dad, myself and younger brother johnny welcomed a new addition to our family..my youngest brother Thomas Jay. my parents both being 38 at the time..me being 16 and johnny being 8 were quite surprised that our family was getting ready to grow again. though TJ was a huge surprise..he proves to be one of the biggest blessings this family has had. Each day i grow prouder of him. this year TJ was set to turn 11 years old on 1/11/11 we all thought that this was pretty neat..how many times do you get a birthday and your age with all the same digits? I remember this day so clearly..the lotto drawing was set to be during the 11pm hour.. chris and i were taking this as a sign that we were MEANT to play...so we got a lotto ticket..

on that same day..at 11am Khloe had an evaluation. she was 8 months old, unable to roll, hold her head up, sit up, she was basically still like a newborn baby. chris and i knew this was not typical so we decided to take the doctors advice and have a team of therapists and a nuero therapist come to evaluate her.  i can remember the clock striking 11..we were already about 10 minutes into our evaluation since they showed up early. i remember thinking to myself that i looked at the clock at 11:11 am on 1/11/11 on my brothers 11th birthday...there was no need to be scared of these results because clearly im lucky today. i watched a team of professionals play with khloe..take notes but there was one lady that my eyes kept wandering back to. she was a heavy set lady. with the sweetest voice. khloe for some reason focused on her as well. she had a necklace on that had an ichthus on it ( ichthus is a christian symbol-it is an empty fish which signifies Christianity). i had spoke with my mom prior to this and i was very nervous. i knew, in my heart, that something was different about khloe. she told the story of when i was little- her and my father had taken me for a cardiac catheter ( i think i was a year or 2 old). i had a hole in my heart that had not closed, a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. she told me that she was so terrified waiting for me in the waiting room. it was one of the hardest things my parents had ever had to do. she said suddenly she had this feeling..like a whisper from GOD, and she knew i was ok. she was calmed by the feeling. shortly after- they received the news that i was not going to need open heart surgery! she told me that morning to listen for GODs whisper. he would tell me everything was going to be ok. i never heard his whisper that day.

shortly after the evaluation was finished the therapists and neurologist was ready to give their results.  the speech therepist went first.. khloe was cooing and babbling as she should. her speech was fine. she said some other things..i dont remember much-just feeling relieved. next came the heavy set lady... she stood up off of the living room floor and sat on the couch across from me. i knew it wasnt good. she looked at me and started telling me that khloe was showing atypical movements, that she was fluctuating her muscle tone from high to low, she displayed frog legs, she had limited amount of muscle throughout her body, i mean the list just went on and on and on. she then looked over at the nuerologist who said she was confident that khloe had cerebral palsy-----------the room faded---------the sound disappeared as if someone hit a mute button-----

i remember the heavy set lady having tears in her eyes. she wouldnt look me in the face. im not sure what else was said...i just remember a numb feeling. somehow they left. i stood in my living room, looking at my husband, and i was numb. completely numb. we both cried uncontrollably. it was a cry that i will never forget. it sounded like our souls were being torn out of us. it was a pain that came from the pit of our stomachs. still, to this day, as i write this, i feel that pain. i still need to take breaks while trying to write this because the feelings are so real. imagine being punched so hard in the stomach...the kind of punch that completely knocks the wind out of you..a completely unexpected punch. it felt nothing like that...it was a million times worse. for everytime in my life i thought i had a broken heart--clearly i was wrong. this was a broken heart. i remember hearing them say she may never walk. the words were deafening. painful. scary. mind blowing. like nothing we had ever heard before....

the next couple of weeks were a blur...funny thing is we still only remember bits and pieces of the weeks that followed. but in those weeks we found something we may never have found had we not had heard those words 'cerebral palsy' we found strength. we re-found our love, this time stronger. we found god. we found our family values. we found out who was there for us when we needed them. we made new friends. we learned. it was like our eyes had been opened for the first time ever. THEN i heard the whisper. i felt it. i knew Khloe was going to be fine. even if she didnt walk..she would be fine.

as the months passed khloe began hitting her milestones. she began to walk. jump. run. climb. sing. screem. talk. roll. flip. feed herself...i can go on and on... while she still has great difficulty with some things she has overcome the unthinkable. she has such determination and will that i know this little girl is going to be someone BIG! khloe was made to do great things.  khloe was made to move mountains.

so this year...i am thankful for January 11th. i am thankful for the surprises that day has brought to my family. i am here to tell you that 1/11/11 at 11 am on my brothers 11th birthday was the luckiest day of my life...because on that day we learned HOW to live. we were no longer just existing...but living. counting the blessings that go overlooked everyday. seeing blessings in the worst situations.  we learned about our love...we werent just in love but now we understood our love and all of its capabilities. so we did hit the lotto that day...but our winnings will never run out. <3 I thank GOD for that day <3



*i should also say that on 1/11/2006 and 1/11/2008 i found out i was pregnant with alexis then chris jr =) *

oh and lexi was most thankful for her dad and her cat on her homework assignment!

Countdown to Breakdown...

Dear Alexis,

       There are so many things that we take for granted in life. i think time is the biggest. people are always wishing time away. hoping the day goes a little faster. rushing the week to get to pay day. rushing a month to get to vacation. rushing the season to get different weather. rushing years to be a certain age. i am guilty of all of those. the day you were born everyone told me to enjoy every moment with you, because time would fly. i do believe that was the greatest piece of advice i ever recived. but sadly i never followed it, or belived its truth. while i did enjoy (and still do) every second spent with you, there are times i rushed you. there are times i wish i could get back to relish in the moment. to just relax and know that these moments are going to be the ones i look back on the most. Kindergarten is fastly approaching. I want to admit something to you. I am terrified.


      there are so many things we go through as parents. many emotions. many trying times. thankless moments. but this is the biggest emotion i have felt so far. trust is a very hard thing for me. i have difficult time trusting anyone outside our family. i feel like i am trusting too many new people with you. a bus driver to get you to school. to make sure you are not being picked on. trusting them to drive safe. make sure you wear your seatbelt. make sure you get off at the correct stop. i am trusting a teacher. to make sure you are learning. to make sure you are not being bullied. to make sure that you are having a good day. to make sure you arent intimidated. a lunch lady to make sure you eat. recess monitors to make sure you dont get hurt. all of this is so hard for me. but the thing thats harder than that- is admitting that you are ready for this. admitting that 5 beautiful years have passed. that you have gone from that beautiful baby to this amazing, full of life, smart, confident, little girl. a girl who is anxiously waiting for her first day of school. a girl who tells her parents shes ready to make new friends and learn new things. my baby is no longer a baby. she is growing older each day.

      i would give the world to hold you for the first time again. to see your first smile. hear your first words with your tiny little voice. smell the formula on your breath... or even walk around with spit up stains on my shirt.  i cannot figure out where 5 years went. how did we get here? i never knew letting go even the slightest bit would be so hard. so heart breaking.

     i know i still have your brother and sister here. but i cannot help but think about the loneliness my heart is going to feel. i know i am being selfish...but the truth is you are my best friend. i rely on you more than you will ever know. but i know that this is going to be a great thing for you. for both of us. because i am learning through you!

    so though i am deeply deeply upset...i wear a smile for all that is ahead. i refuse to waste anymore time thinking about being upset..but instead i will enjoy the moments. because when you are graduating and heading to college..im sure i will look back and wish you were going to kindergarten..instead of a dorm. i will wish i took time to enjoy this moment. so i promise you i will enjoy it. then cry once you leave :)

   i want you to know that YOU are an amazing girl. you are capable of anything you dream. your father and I have always tried to show you how brilliant you are. we want you to know your worth. i want you to know that while you are without a doubt a leader..there will be times where you must follow. make sure you follow the correct path. if you stray away from the right path... refocus... look to god..and get back to the path your heart leads you to. its always wise to use your head, but sometimes you must listen to your heart. your heart is where your soul lies. where YOUR truth lies.  make goals. when you reach them its super exciting. even if you think they are stupid goals..they arent. have faith.. god carries us through everything. he will never leave you.  remember dad and i are NOT behind you...we are 10 steps in front of you. we will fight the world off for you if need be. trust that you can tell us anything. while you may think you will get in trouble or hurt us... dad & i are on YOUR side. you can tell us anything, without reserve. dont ever forget who your best friend is. dont look to us for guidance...look above...look to us to hold your hand.

more than anything. please remember i love you. no matter what i am always proud of you. you are my hero.

my last and final list of things to do/remember is to ROCK KINDERGARTEN!!! go show 'em what your made of baby! let that glittery personality shine baby!!! let the world know: ALEXIS NICOLE WOODS IS HERE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE SOMEONE BIG!!!!!!

i love you forever sheepy!

Birthdays & Confessions

wow! its been a long while since i have been able to blog! but i am back...and have so much to share. hopefully i remember everything in this post =)

Happy 1st Birthday Khloe' Madison Woods

since i last posted so many great things have happened. first being Khloe blew out 1 candle on her birthday cake! she hit a year old!!! it was such a bittersweet day. as i am sure i have previously shared chris and i will not be having any more children. we do hope that we will be able to adopt a child in a few years-god willing. so watching khloe move through the crowed of people who were so nice enough to come celebrate this special day with us was very emotional. watching her smash her cake and knowing that this is the last time i will put a single candle on a cake was very overwhelming for me. i kept giving myself continuous reminders to breathe deep and every time i wanted to cry i reminded myself to look away and relax. this is my 3rd baby...a first birthday never gets easier. i cry at every one. im such a mush. we had an AMAZING turn out...55 people showed up at the park to celebrate with Khloe & enjoyed her butterfly theme. i love themed parties. im corny like that. i love themes. i cannot get enough. i think somewhere i missed my calling as a party or wedding planner..i love planning. i love details. i love organizing. its just my thing. and i must say..im fantastic at it. i carefully picked each theme of each of my children's birthdays...and khloe's first birthday was no different. butterflies. not because they are pretty. or girly. or because i liked that pattern. but because to me khloe is like a butterfly. you see, when she was first diagnosed with cerebral palsy our minds went to the worst place. our hearts sank. we were filled with hurt/frustration/pain/guilt/sorrow... i mean so many emotions that no one will ever understand until you hear that something is 'wrong' with your child. in our darkest hour...in a time where no one could help us feel better...khloe spread her wings. she showed us how to fly. how to rise above and soar. i am proud to say since 1/11/11 when khloe was diagnosed this family has overcome so much. we dont back down from a challenge anymore..we rise to the occasion. we thrive off challenges.  khloe has given this family wings. she has shown us what family is about. how strong we are. and that is why butterfly was so suiting for khloe.  her big sister lexi picked out her cake...which was of course not with the butterfly theme...but tinkerbell...which works for me because tink has wings too! the weather was perfect, food was fabulous, and the day went smooth. seriously, we are blessed to have such great friends and family.  i dont think they will ever know how much they mean to us.

Khloe', her daddy & big sister Lexi blowing out her candles!

i happen to have some more amazing news....KHLOE IS WALKING!!!! well....khloe is actually walking, hopping, running, tumbling, and chasing anything she can! she is on the move...so watch out world!! i cannot explain how amazing a feeling this was. it came at such an amazing time in our lives....you know i have to admit something to you. its horrible to have to say this...but the truth is, part of me feels like i somewhat failed as a parent. when you have a child with a diagnosis like khloe's (or any medical diagnosis) i think it becomes so easy to get caught up in that diagnosis. in therapy. in medical terms. in appointments. in the whole process...and sometimes you forget that this child is just a child. i am guilty of that. i became obsessed with CP. with treatments. doctors. therapy. with the what-if's and the maybe's. some times i would lose focus and forget that this is my baby...and i have to still allow her to be a baby. shes not going to want to do PT every time. shes not going to want to sit and focus on pincer grasp for an hour, or practice her gait, or weight balance all the time. there are times (more times than less) that she just wants to play, and have fun, or nap longer, or be silly. its so easy to forget to allow those things and become so obsessed with getting your child to where the world or doctors feel they should be. you forget to just let your child be. i realized this about a month and a half ago. after my laptop kicked the bucket and i could no longer google every little thing. i couldnt google her gait. or why her feet were doing these weird turning things, or why she isnt able to use a spoon or fork. simple things. weight gain, milestones...different PT methods...i couldnt google. i was a mess. what would i do without google? because after all in my head the world CANNOT survive without google. let me just say...google was the worst addiction i have ever had. once it was taken away and i couldnt over analize everything...or listen to horror stories...i began to let MY instints take over. not the advice of a doctor. or google. I let my mommy instincts run wild. you know what they told me? to sit on the floor and play. just like i had (and still do) done with Lexi and Chris. just play. i allowed her to go in her favorite johnny jumper which the PT forbid. she loved it. after 20 minutes she was ready for a nap. i forgot all the therapy methods, i threw out google advice and most of all i put anything negative so far out of my mind. you know what happened soon after? khloe took steps. 2 became 4 then became 20 and now i cannot keep up! this whole time i was worried about the world treating khloe different...i didnt realize that i was treating her different. i wasnt allowing things to just 'be'.  khloe i am happy to report that khloe is perfectly on time with every single milestone. ahead still in her speaking. and is driving her older siblings CRAZY!!! face it--they are just way too cool for her. *laughs*

we are getting ready for vacation at the end of august! i am so excited. this has been a crazy year..and i think time away will do us justice.  i promise to post more..my computer still isnt working but soon should be. i wish i had photos to share however they are on my computer...and im using chris' computer :( but i promise a video and photos soon!!!