..the truth about florida

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
- C. S. Lewis

This friday we leave for florida. everyone keeps asking me if i am excited...and while a piece of me is very excited..a very large part of me is hurting very badly. i keep smiling and trying to convince myself and more often others that i am beyond thrilled. truth be told--when we booked this trip 2 months ago i was more thrilled than i have ever been. i think i began to plan this trip as if i were the child and not the parent. i planned everything i wanted to do as a child, for my kids. I put so much of my own heart into this trip that i know they are going to love every second. but there is this uncontrollable ache in my heart that i cannot get to go away. I think about our drive..initally we were going straight through..i have since changed it to driving thru friday night into the early hours of saturday morning..stopping half way and continuing the rest of the driving at 1am sunday morning. so we have a break on saturday....

Saturday marks one month since my gram has passed. this has been one of the hardest months i have had in so very long. a very VERY lonely month.  Chris has done a fine job making sure i am ok. making sure when im not ok that he is the first one at my side. he has been the perfect partner in these rough times. but if im speaking honestly i should say that a lot of my pain i keep putting away. i put on my brave face and move forward with the day. i cry when im alone. i have this horrible habit that i cannot seem to break..i keep picking up the phone to call my gram. i dont know why it hasnt sunk in yet...maybe because it was so unexpected..or maybe because i called her multiple times every day. i am not sure..but each time i catch myself grabbing the phone it feels like a dagger is stuck in my heart all over again. i dont know what i need to do to make this pain go away. or make things somewhat normal in my head again. 

i think back to recent conversations i had with her. (my gram lived with me from the time i was 6 or 7 thru high school..but it was in the past 4-5 years that we became VERY close) i feel like she knew her time was coming.  although she was in good health and there were no signs pointing to her death..i think she knew. recently we had talked about so much. my grandfather. my  uncle. everything. she was tired. she missed them. i know this..so then why do i become so selfish in missing her? if she is with GOD where ultimately majority of us want to be, then why do i get so damn selfish and wish she was still here? it gets so bad at times that i drive myself nuts. in my heart,  i know she is where she needs to be. she is home. there is no doubt in my mind. she was a christian. we spoke so much about this..so i KNOW she is ok. so shouldnt i be ok knowing that? 

we would always joke when she would say she was getting old..i would always tell her she was going to outlive me..i honestly felt she would be around for a very long time. she would always joke back with me and say ' oh you wount even miss me if i was gone' ...i wonder if she can see me now. how much i really do miss her. or how much i miss calling her..or hearing her raspy voice on the other end of the phone. 

gram understood pieces of me that others dont. while most married people complain about their in-laws---few are treated the way i have been...one of those few people was my grandmother. it was a perfect understanding. she knew how to handle every situation. she just knew. we would have these long talks about how i felt in certain situations- and she would tell me about times she was made to feel the same way. she just got it. when it came to other things that i was upset or angry or even really excited.. but didnt want anyone else to know just yet...or ever --she always knew. because i knew she didnt tell anyone. i dont have anyone else in my life that i can tell things to and they stay between us. thats a terrible feeling. a lonely feeling. even the smallest things i tell people get repeated. so now i feel horribly alone. alone with my own thoughts. alone with my feelings. with my insecurities. its a crappy feeling.

so saturday my mind wont be on florida..or my excitement about the trip. i know she wants me to be excited.. she wouldnt want me to be upset..but that doesnt really stop me from feeling the way i do. im sure ill be thinking about how we joked about packing her in the trunk..and how i wanted her to come. every photo i take..ill think of her because she said she wanted me to take a ton of pictures so when i got back she would feel like she was with us.  ill still be hurting. but like i have been doing..ill smile through it..because i dont want to ruin anyone elses day with my sadness. 

sorry this is such a pitiful post. just hoping if i get some of this out ill feel a tad better. i have so many emotions i need to sort thru its unreal. i guess my biggest fear is wondering if because gram and i talked so much about my trip, if its going to make me hurt worse. can i hold myself together? or will this be the straw that finally breaks the camel's back..and leads me to those horrible uncontrollable tears...and forces me to feel that empty feeling in my heart? i guess time will tell....