Thoughts From a NOT So Simple Mind: May 2012

Dear Gram-
Its been 106 days since i last heard your voice. 15 weeks and 1 day. 103 Days since i last saw your face. 14 weeks and 5 days. before you left i never imagined a life without you. i never imagined my mornings without hearing your voice-or celebrating birthdays without you there. i took your presence for granted. i somehow believed that you would be with me forever. i know you can remember countless times that i have told you that you would out live me. to you that was the worst thing i could say. you hated the thought of that. well i hate life without you. i hate it. everyone keeps telling me time will make me ok. each day will get easier. but each day is getting harder. im so lost. i can feel this hole in my chest. its this horrible aching pain when i think about you. i just want to be able to smile. i know you would want me to...but i cant seem to find the strength. i want to be able to remember the good times we had. the laughing and the fun...but no matter what as soon as i think about something or something comes up i just feel pain. i feel like i have become numb to anything other than pain. im not sleeping. my eating habits are worse than they were..i can hardly remember the last time outside of this weekend i ate a meal with my family. dinner tables remind me of you. im not sure why..maybe its because you loved to cook for us. anyway i hate tables. im trying so hard to be strong. i try to talk about you with everyone so they think im holding up..but i think they all know. sometimes when the boys talk about you i cant even stand to listen. i cant stand to know they hurt like this. there have been so many times i needed you, i mean i know you are with me but i needed to call you. i needed advice or your opinion, and i realize that i cant call. i cant say enough how much it hurts. i know that i am lucky to have had almost 29 solid years with you and thats amazing...so i cant understand why i am being so greedy. why-if i know you are with God, Grandpa, Uncle Jay, Aunt Jo and your family-why does it hurt so much? i know you are happy. healthy. where you have always wanted to be. you are at peace. you went peacefully. then why cant i just let this go and start to heal? its hard to hurt like this. i know you would tell me not to let the babies see me cry, and for the most part i dont. i have to be strong for them. but there are days where i need to lock the bathroom door because like dad says..it comes in waves. ill be ok one minute and a sobbing mess the next. the kids ask for you all the time. especially lexi. the other night she made a wish that you were still alive. it broke my heart more than anything. i dont drive past your house anymore. its too hard. lexi always asks to go there. i think she thinks maybe you will be there. and you know khloe is always asking for her 'ma'amy'. she points to your picture and says your name. christopher...hes a pisser as you would say. hes a trouble maker. last night he got into your incense oils and smeared them all over his face. it was in his eyes and everything. i was pissed but i had to laugh. you always got such a kick out of the messes he made. he drew on his walls again. i noticed it today. i thought about how you always said 'he better be an artist with all this art work he does'... i dont get as mad as i should with the pen on the walls..im always so thankful its not POOP! thats probably the funniest memory i have of us. you were so calm and collected and i was freaking out. i just kept trying to figure out how he got his diaper off and painted his whole room with poop. first night in a toddler bed and i never wanted to put him back in it! you laughed so hard while you helped me clean. and i just cried. which made you laugh harder because you just kept saying how theres going to be much worse things in life to cry about. you kept saying..this is funny. you were my hero that day. not too many people would scrub some kids poop off of a wall voluntarily. even dad was puking! so much like you to always show up when im in need. every time im sick i think about how you cooked me chicken soup. i never had to ask. you would just have chris stop on his way home. i was so spoiled. now i have no one to cook my soup. you would think after all the times you showed chris and wrote it down he would know it by heart..he doesnt. all those nights i was tired and didnt want to cook, you would cook for everyone and send it up to us. ill never forget that. no one else does that for me. all the times i would be so upset with my crap in laws or with chris over stupid things you would tell me to "cook with red pepper..dont say things you dont mean jackie..cook with pepper tonight. that'll teach 'em." it always made me laugh. no matter how steamed i was. im really hurting because chris birthday is coming up..and you always make him chicken and rice. that is one of his favorite memories of you. you guys were so close. gram hes been so patient with me. with my crying and not sleeping and my nightmares. hes been such a great support. but i havent let him grieve yet. he misses you so much. he ALWAYS talks about you. i think the worst thing was when we cleaned out your house you had a 'to do' list and the first thing you wanted to do when you got better was make chris chicken and rice. i think it made him feel good to know that he crossed your mind that week. i always tell him you always said he was no different than me, johnny or tj...that you always felt like he just belonged with us..sometimes i dont think he realizes how much you meant it, but right then, i think he knew. he still keeps your 'galic oil' (because you spell just like you talk with your Boston accent) that you made us..he opens it and just smells it. the day before you passed we were cooking and used the last of it..he wanted me to tell you we needed more..i just added more olive oil.. it smells just like it did when you made it. i wont remake it. i froze all the produce you gave me. i wont use that either. its stupid i know..but when i see it, im hoping one day it will make me smile. tomorrow we bury your ashes next to grandpa. im going to try to be brave. i know you are worried about dad, so ill be brave for him. its going to be a terrible day. but im hoping now that we are finally doing this it wont be in the back of my mind, and ill start to heal. it took forever for dad to be ready. not that he is ready but hes as ready as he can be. grammy he misses you. it breaks my heart. he keeps telling me (everyone does) that im so much like you. sometimes i think thats why he doesnt talk to me as much anymore. i think maybe it hurts him. im trying to help everyone gram. like you would. i just wish i knew how to help me. please stay with me. i miss you so much. im ready to start remembering you with a smile. everyone probably thinks im such a baby..but its ok. no one else knows how close we were. how much time we spent talking and laughing. its funny..you always said your cast iron would be your 'legacy' oddly thats the last thing that i think of when i think of you. just one more thing...i know you know how much you meant to me...but i never told you why you meant so much..so i wanted to do that before i say goodbye...

gram.. you were strong. you were. you lost your husband when you were just 37. you were a single mother of 2 boys. you worked hard so they could have a normal life. you were able to carry yourself without letting them know how bad you hurt. you raised your son, who was terminally ill, as a single parent. you still knew how to smile. then when uncle jay was just 26 years old you said goodbye to him. his battle with cystic fibrosis took him from you. you hurt, and even though i lived with you, i never knew you were hurting. you watched dad have multiple massive heart attacks..and you were terrified of losing another son...i remember the pain in your voice. after he came home, you still smiled. when i first heard my youngest baby had cerebral palsy, i was terrified, but you made sure to tell me, how you had a special relationship with god, and you would talk to him and he would make every thing ok. in December when i found out i was pregnant again, i was terrified, you were the first person i called. you laughed and reminded me what a blessing this was. you were so happy for us. you always wanted 4 kids and you were so happy that we were expanding this crazy family even more. a few weeks later when i woke up covered in blood, i called you. we cried together. you somehow during that terrible time made me feel ok. you told me it would be ok. all these things are just a couple examples of why you are who you are to me. i want, so badly, to one day be strong like you. to be able to hold my head up high even when i want to curl up and cry. i want to be a great cook. i want to be a better listener. i want to be able to give sound advice. to be more slow to anger. to know when to laugh and when to cry. i want to learn your patience. i want to know your love. i want to live without fear. more than ever, i hope that when i leave this earth, that people will look back at my life and be proud of the woman i grew to be, like we are proud of you. I am just happy to know you. your legicy isnt all the cast iron cookware you left us..your legacy is you.

i hear you whispering to me at times. i feel you in the rays of the sun. i carry you in my heart. im ready to heal. im ready. i know you will be with me tomorrow.. please carry me through this. i love you grammy. forever. and i miss you like hell.

goodbye gram. see you again one day.

your Jacquliña