Fear

“Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.” -Unknown

Fear in my eyes comes from the unknown. The things i fear the most are things in which i have no control. things that i know will play a big part in my life or the lives of the people in my family.  Today I was scared. I still in a way am, but i have started to refocus myself, and remind myself of how far my faith in the Lord has carried me thus far. I knew Khloe was going to start PT this week, or i at least knew this week i would have a start date for the following week. I knew the phone call was coming. Today her PT Kim called. she wanted to know if she could come work with Khloe tomorrow at 5pm. Perfect time slot for me. i dont have to wake everyone up super early, moose is still napping at that time, and khloe is awake. she sounded really nice.  she also sounded very young. i understand that not every person in the medical field is old, everyone starts somewhere, but i felt a little weird trusting someone who cannot be much older than myself when it comes to Khloe's treatment. i guess i had pictured someone with a million years of experience behind their belt. maybe i expected some world renowned PT to walk through my door. i dont know. either way i was a little taken back. after i hung up with her, i felt scared. not because of her age, but i think i felt scared at the fact that this is going to open my eyes to more. i know what you are thinking as you are reading this---hey dumb dumb- you wanted to know more..and now you are complaining. i know, i need to make up my mind. i am just scared to see how this is all going to play out. im scared that she may not respond well. that this may not help. that this all could be worse than what i have made it to be in my head. im so scared.  what if this lady comes in and works with her for a year and tells me she will never walk? what if this woman reveals more details than i had originally noticed? what if khloe is actually worse than i imagined? i am so scared. what if i break down while she is working with khloe? i know you are thinking im nuts. why would i cry while shes receiving the help she needs. i am crying because she needs help. this is all becoming more real by the day. i dont think people realize...telling you all what was going on with her was just the start. those tears and the pain were just the start. each time i get a paper deeming her disabled, each time i get a phone call about insurance, or case workers, or therapy, its like pouring salt on an open wound.  So today, i was scared of tomorrows out come. scared of any new information. scared that i am putting so much trust in others when it comes to my child. its hard. 


i took some time after dinner to refocus myself. i got myself together, and i realized that i am worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet. something that is a day away. i cant do that to myself. i have to focus on todays tasks. what is happening right now. so after i gathered myself , i prayed. i prayed for the lord to keep me focused on my faith. because faith is what will guide me. GOD is not giving me more than i can handle. he is trying to show me what i am capable of. what Khloe is capable of. after i prayed i sat on the floor with khloe. i looked in her big blue eyes, and i felt the power of GOD. sounds cheesy right? sounds like i am making  that one up! but i am noti felt the power of GOD through my little girl. i was reminded that she would be ok. so now- as im telling all of this to chris- i let go of Khloe's hand, im yapping away...and he has this odd look on his face...and just as i get ready to yell because he is looking past me while im talking to him, i turn, and Khloe is sitting up. unassisted. no toys. no tripod sitting. her legs bent. no spasms. just sitting straight up. she sat for a little over 5 minutes! There have been so many proud moments i have had as a mother of 3... but today- was the proudest moment i have had yet.  it was so crazy because while she was sitting and i was paying no attention, i was telling chris how i felt so close to GOD when i was looking at her, and how i just felt everything was going to be ok! amazing.  


So tonight, i know many of you fear tomorrow, or fear things in the future, but this is proof that with faith comes great reward. Tonight-- Let go and Let GOD!  dont be scared. if you have GOD on your team--you are unbeatable.