72 hours past diagnosis-72 hours into faith

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

Artwork from my favorite poem "Footprints"

Its been 72 hours since I heard those life changing words, Cerebral Palsy. Its been 72 hours since i have realized what complete faith was. Today I am ok. Last night, I had what seemed to be my first anxiety attack. I was suddenly uncontrollably, inconsolably upset. Today, I woke up with restored faith. Moments were hard. But when I cannot take things day by day-I will take them hour by hour- if thats still overwhelming-minute by minute- and on that rare occasion where that is still hard- second by second. You see- this has been an amazing 3 days. I feel like each hour has counted. I have not slept more than 5 hours (which believe me-is not a pretty sight), so when i say each hour counts, I mean it. I have had a ton of emotions, but the one I continually go back to is blessed. Yes, Blessed. I have replayed each hour of Khloe's birth. All events leading up to it. Everything after it. I saw no trauma. none. My sons birth-that was trauma. that was hell. Khloe came in like a lamb.Maybe there is something I missed..maybe not. At this point in my journey, thats all irrelevant. I dont care. Knowing what caused this is not going to change it. This is a blessing. Its not a burden. Again- its NOTHING to be sorry for. This has renewed my faith. This has encouraged my husband to have faith. This has shown us how strong our love is, and how strong it will get. This has shown us a side of ourselves that we may never have known, this has shown us GOD in the rawest form, trust in the hardest times (so far), this has shown me who people really are. It has connected me to some amazing, and i mean amazing in every sense of the word woman. Mothers who know what i feel. Mothers who know worse feelings. Mothers who still have faith. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for this journey. YOU raise me up. Through you- I am able. I am willing. I am strong. I looked at Khloe today, and i saw all of her 'symptoms'  (i need to find another word) I saw what made me call early intervention sooner than i had originally planned. I saw her spasms. I saw her stiffness. I saw things i have chose to turn my head from in the past. It was amazing. Amazing to see the people I love hold her, notice these things too, ask about them, want to learn how to help her spastic movements. It was beautiful. Today I felt hopeful. Hopeful that with all these people eager to learn and help her, that we will beat the odds. My child may never run next to yours on a soccer field. She may never ask for my help walking down stairs. She may never eat soup..(lol mom) She may never live on her own. She may never know what its like to dance. She may never put on her shoes, or tie her own laces. She may never be able to cut her own food, or feed herself with a fork. This is in GOD's hands..as she is. Only he knows her plan. But I know, I am strong. I will be. I may be weak today, but tomorrow I will wake stronger.  I may have set backs, but I will give Khloe a life she deserves. A perfect (as perfect as it can get) earthly life. I will help her do all the things she desires. I will help her overcome all of her fears, insecurities, and instill hope, faith and love in her. She has shown me so much in these past 72 hours.  More than i have ever been shown in 27 years. I previously said that my world stopped... i would like to retract my statement, my world didnt stop, its just spinning in a different direction. I think that today I am willing to admit, to everyone, there are parts of Khloe's diagnosis that we have kept private. There are answers to questions that people have, but for right now, thats a personal part of our journey. So if there are some things not making sense to you, we have probably withheld some information. Maybe because we feel like admitting it--its throwing in the towel. Maybe because saying it out loud will cause some to lose hope-- but just know--we know. So when we are both ready to share some more details, we will. But for right now- its something very personal. Something Chris and I need to deal with privately, before publicly. We need to become secure in certain parts of this process before making everyone else secure.

The last thing I wanted to share are the lyrics from Josh Groban's song "You Raise Me Up" This song has been a constant inspiration to me...and I cannot find a better song to express what I am feeling..

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.


one more thing....
(Psalms 138:3) 3 In the day that I called, you answered me. You encouraged me with strength in my soul.