dreaming...

I guess everyone goes to different places, resources or people to get inspiration..for me, i tend to become inspired by reading. I like to see the world through other peoples eyes as much as i can. i like to feel emotion behind what i read. i like to feel like i have walked in their shoes...even though i havent. Today in my email among a million junk messages, one message in particular stuck out...it too was junk, but the subject, appropriately titled for the day, asked "what is your dream?" Obviously at first i didnt think too much into it..as the day went on and i started to think more about why my husband was home, and banks were closed, and my oil company wanted to charge a million dollars to come out today- i thought back to the title of that email. I thought about Martin Luther Kings dream. I thought about millions of different people who dream of different things. sometimes i think we feel our dreams are unattainable. Martin Luthar King--his dream-in his day-was probably thought to be unattainable..but today we look at a world where there is equality (for the most part). We have a president,who is bi-racial, the most powerful woman on t.v is african american, latin is becoming a dominant language,and like i previously blogged about people who the world views as handicapped are no longer confined to institutions. Obviously we still have a long way to go..but because of this man's dream... I have a best friend who is black,  my oldest child is bi-racial, i have a child with a special journey ahead and my husband and i  are able to lead her through her journey. All because of 1 mans dream.

I started to think about my dreams. often, people who look at this crazy life i lead, think because i am not at work, or because i didnt go to college, that i am unsuccessful. and yes, some will BOLDLY state that. however, when i was little, i too had a dream. maybe it hasnt been as well known as dr. kings dream, but those who know me, know it as well as his dream. you see,  my friends dreamed of degrees,professions and paychecks, while i had my own dream. i pictured my life as a mother, a wife, and a best friend. i carefully pictured my husband, planned my wedding, and envisioned each of my children. there would be 3. though i didnt want girls because , well, because i knew what i would be in for. karma is a very real thing. That was my dream. a family. Obviously, being young, i always thought every person was able to have children, biological (i hate that word) anyways. I thought it was easy to get pregnant. Easy to find a husband...you just pick who is the cutest, right? oooh jackie, if you only knew! As i posted in my last blog, i had a long journey to get to where i am. to where i have attained the unattainable...at least according to medicine. My mother was given the news that I probably would never have children when i was young, i think 12 or 13. If i did get pregnant, it would be rough. I had endometriosis. I dont remember if i heard the doctor, or if i was just still so embarrassed from the exam that i tuned everything out, but i dont remember it having an effect on me, except having to be on birth control to somewhat help ease the symptoms. Later in life, it effected me. when i began to try desperately to have children. i failed each time. I was told the good news was that i got pregnant. anyone who has sat in that doctors office after losing a child knows thats not what you want to hear. because no matter how many weeks, thats your child. after a number of miscarriages and genetic tests, it was determined that i had an incompetent uterus, and now i would not have children. I would never achieve my dream. I cant explain what i felt on that day, because these days i cant remember much of life before my children. almost like i began to exist when they were born. when i had given up, not put much thought into it, when i didnt care about love, just myself. when my life was spinning out of control, i was shown that dreams come true. definitely not with the person i had dreamed of, i always figured i would be in love, or married, and that was far from the case. but for whatever reason, GOD had another plan for my life, and the order they would happen in.  Lexi, she was the start of life. she was the first stepping stone to attaining my dream. and it was in every sense perfect.  no, it was not the ideal situation. no, it was not an ideal person. but i knew, that was the start. it was not an ideal pregnancy. I fought like hell to hold on to her at times. there were close calls, times when the doctors had already told me i lost her, only to see a heartbeat on an ultrasound..my mother can appreciate that story..and get a good laugh. there are some gross details that arent for a blog, but looking back, it does provide a really good laugh...im just happy my mother has forgiven me for that night...hahaha.  sorry mom. during my pregnancy i met a wonderful man...i remember telling my mom that he was so different, from the first time i met him. during my pregnancy, chris and i were best friends. we spent every minute that we could together or on the phone. one day, i realized i loved him. i realized that i was capable of loving again, regardless of the past. for the first time ever, love didnt hurt. it was easy. natural. and it still is. on our one year anniversary, after asking my parents first, chris proposed to me, in a beautiful botanical garden. in true jackie form, i ruined the proposal, but it was still romantic. a month later, we were married. i knew my heart was finally safe. we both wanted more kids, and struggled getting pregnant again. but god again reassured me that dreams do come true. a little less complicated then my pregnancy with lexi, i carried our son to term, and had a beautiful baby boy. i was certain that i changed my mind about having 3 kids...because 2 was CRAZY!!! one fine day, out of the blue, very unexpected, GOD blessed us with another little girl.  after coming home from the hospital, i was on an emotional high. it was a very euphoric feeling. I couldnt stop thanking the man upstairs. I couldnt thank chris enough for helping me reach my dreams. time went on, and i would find myself saying...i need a new dream. now what? today i figured that out...

what is my dream? today i watched Khloe pull herself up to sit up. to get herself closer to her dad's shiney cell phone. When she got herself up, she flopped over. Though her arms and neck are strong, her spine and legs are not. she laid back on the ground for a second,  chris and i let out a little chuckle because our smiling baby made a mean face. she was mad. i mean really mad. she wanted that darn phone. again, she pulled herself up. again she fell.  she continued this for 8 or 10 times. she was determined. you could see the determination in her face. she would not accept that she just wasnt strong enough. while i wish i could tell you that she did sit up eventually, she did not. BUT, seeing her determination first broke my heart, but then reassured me, that she is a fighter. she wont take no for an answer. that was one of the things that probably annoyed my parents the most about me, i didnt like to be told no. more so than most kids, when told no, i fought it. i saw that in khloe today. what an amazing trait to pass down to her. im sure at times, probably 12-15 years from now- ill kick myself in the ass for saying that, but that is going to be a great part of her reaching her dreams. the more people to tell her no...or she cant...she will. today my dream is that Khloe will prove everyone who says she cant wrong. that she will overcome all that this world sees her incapable of, and show them that she is more capable than most. because she is determined. I dream of success for each of my children...but especially khloe who is currently facing the most challenges. I pray the lord helps this family makes my dream come true again, because it is each member of this family who helped my 1st dream come true. Without any of them, my dreams would be incomplete. so i know, each member, working as a team, will make my hearts wish come true again. Khloe will sit up. she will. and when she does--you will all hear my screams of joy blasting through the windows of your houses!

We haven't quite got the family portrait thing down yet, but this was from
pumpkin picking this year. Im not too sure what is going on with Khloe's hair!

so do you think i should have hit reply to the sender of that mass advertisement email and answered their question? i mean, they did ask.